February 03, 2006

Challenges To Parents

Disclaimer : This entry seems to be a bit of a heavy stuff. Just sharing what I feel on this issue. That's all. I am not asking people to agree or dis agree with me. If you have a comment I would appreciate it being done in a positive and constructive way so that we all can learn from each other.

A few days ago, in fact on the Maal Hijrah day (1 Muharram) when I took mak to see her regular doctor, we met with my arwah ayah's cousin (I think). I have known all my life as Mak Long and she knows me too. Her youngest son sent her to the clinic, took the number and left her with his youngest daughter. My mak had a chat with her while waiting for her turn to see the doctor. My second daughter Angah accompanied us so that she can walked the maktok into the clinic while I park the car etc. There were a lot of patients so it took us quite a while before mak's name was called.

While mak was in the doctor's room (with Angah) I had a chat with Mak Long. She was relating to me that she is staying with the youngest son who took her to the clinic. I know him too. He has 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. Apparently, Mak Long's grandsons had been drop-outs since after their SPM exams. They failed and didn't try to repeat. In the end they are just at home "lepaking" around. Sad isn't it. I did asked why were they not try to go and work in a factory, at least it should relieve the burden from the parents to feed them. When she told me the answer, I was really taken aback and speechless. She said the grandsons were SHY to go and work in the factory. I have no word for them except that they were plain LAZY.

No way I could accept such excuse. I was flabbergasted beyond words. As far as I know the father (my 3rd cousin - I think?) is not a salaried worker, he worked in his family paddy field. But then again how much is that - sekangkang kera as the expression goes. It baffles me, how the children (not only these boys, others as well) could have such a LAZY attitude.

A friend of mine (not a Malaysian), told me not too long ago that he had to bail out his eldest son from debt. The son entered the University, taken up student loan, never paid the college fees and on top of that uses the credit card to maximum limit. He and his wife just couldn't forgive the son for doing so. Although he is now working with a shopping mall, now and trying to pay for his debts, the relationship has now a bit tense. Why the son did what he did? I guest peer pressure or even culture shock maybe.

I have also known of a family, they have 4 daughters who are smart girls, highly educated. 2 of them are graduates from the local universities. 2 are still doing their degrees. The elder 2 sisters, are always known to be "kurang ajar" with their own mother. They would ridicule her in front of their father over petty things like the choice of curtains etc. The eldest had just got married recently, all the arrangement (even the colour of her bunga telur and hantaran) were kept secrets by her from the mother. The 2nd daughter, had refused bluntly to take her mother to the bus station when the mother was returning home to KL from Penang. She would rather go dating!!!.

Whose fault are those? Is it the parents? Or is it the kids themselves?

I believe that character building is important. Parents have to instill the positive attitude into the children. I tend to agree with MakAndeh through her recent entries. So that the children can grow up to become useful people, to themselves and the family. But again, did the parents in those example failed to do that? I don't think so, maybe the kids themselves cannot get the ideas into their head. We can always bring the horse to water but can we force it to drink? Surely not right? So what is it then? Communication ? The way the parents communicate (verbally or non-verbal) is important.

In my family, my daughters have their freedom to express their views. They are not geniuses but then again we have been stressing why a good education is important to them. They can see that we take great pain to make sure that they can study comfortably. But then, if ever any one of them would be rude to hubby, mak or myself, they also know that they are in for a hiding. They are taught to be respectful, and to appreciate what are being given to them. I have had my daughters apologized to me for missing tuition classes due to their own carelessness. The reason why I do not employ another maid after bibik went home is also to "teach" them to be responsible people. To share the chores around the house although they have school work to be done.

I am NOT saying that I am a perfect parent. We learn along the way from seeing examples around us. I didn't come from a happy home atmosphere, but, I had made a choice long ago that I would not subject my children to similar situation. They will have a happy home environment. They will have open communication with me and their father in order for them to build a positive attitude towards life. I can say so far Alhamdulillah, I have been blessed with such a "useful" responsible family. We have to embrace the real meaning of Hijrah from bad attitude to positive attitude.

There are many more things which we can do as parents to make our children responsible people. I would appreciate your view.

I have found this quote from a newsletter which I subscribed to. I do tend to agree with the author.

If you are willing to do only what's easy, life will be hard.
But if you are willing to do what's hard, life will be easy."

* T.Harv Eker *

29 comments:

oren said...

saya rasa komunikasi paling penting kat sini..cara parents dulu dan parents sekarang memang berbeza..seingat saya, saya tak pernah nak cerita kat mak everything yang saya buat, dengan sapa saya keluar and even to tell her that I have a steady boyfriend! tapi mungkin mak pun dah tua, so, sejak2 lepas kawen, we can share stories, even hal2 dalaman pun, cam merancang anak, hubungan suami isteri and so on..

anak saya pun masih kecik, tapi saya ingat nak buat pendekatan macam auntyN buat..let children talk their opinion..

Thanks for the entry..it's really make me think of the issue..salah mak bapak ka, atau persekitaran yang buatkan anak2 sekarang kurang ajar?????

bergen said...

(Please mark me as 'hadir' to this entry.)

Anonymous said...

dulu masa belom kawin..slalu gak melawan cakap mak. Kadang2 terkurang ajar la jugak tapi satu perkara telah menyedarkan saya. Sejurus selepas saya melahirkan anak sulung saya. Terbayang di mata, cam ni susahnya mak saya nak lahirkan saya di dunia. Bersabung nyawa. Rasa insaf terus muncul di hati. Perasaan ni datang masa saya masih di atas katil labour room tu. Alhamdulillah..selepas tu..hubungan saya dan mak..bertambah rapat.Syukur.

AuntyN said...

oren : Kita buat sadaya upaya, doa pun penting. Anak2 kena encourage for them to be open baru depa rasa kita sincere.

bergen : sat nak bukak buku kehadiran no..
OK dah tanda dah "bergen hadir: :-)
Thanks for reading.

anon : Alhamdulillah.

Count Byron said...

AN.. your children are so lucky to have you as parent! Congratulations.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your entry.. the need for communications and appreciation of our parents and the opportunities presented to us on a platter ( silver or otherwise).
I detest the ladies that are showing bad treatment to their mother..but i cannot help but wonder if their mother too did the same towards her mother (their grandmother)? For our sin towards our parents will be given a reciprocal right here in this world, on earth! I have seen examples.. and so had my mom seen examples of her time.
To break the cycle is really the cure which will save our generations from degradation.
You have done very well indeed. Even though you had less than happy childhood, you are determined to give happiness all round to your children.
I love you for doing that AN

AuntyN said...

Count : Thanks for the words and the love. I appreciate that very much. They bring tears to my eyes.

I am sure your children are as lucky. :-)

sya said...

Auntyn.. I cannot tolerate my children being "kurang hajar", my angin cepat naik. Im not a perfect mom and singlehandedly raising 4 kids is not easy. But I instill Islamic values in them and banyak berdoa and tawakal. I always berdoa for my kids daily without fail. Because I know that I cant be with them 24 hrs.. but with doa, Allah will take good care of them.

Pasal yg malu kerja kilang tuh...faham ke maksud "malu"? Tak malu makan tanggung begitu?? ntahlah

AuntyN said...

Sya : You have said it all. Doa ibu amat penting. ANother thing is being a sigle parent is sure is NOT easy.

inai said...

Restu dan doa seorang Ibu...InsyaAllah dialah penyuluh hidup kita.. tapi kena la usaha bersungguh besides doa sama.. AuntyN..enjoy reading yr blog.

MA said...

Kak N : All of us are not perfect. Be it as children to our parents, or parents to our kids. Like you said we seek to learn the best way to raise them to be good people.

I can tolerate budak lasak, but I can never tolerate budak biadap or kurang ajar ESPECIALLY to own parents dan yang lebih tua.

I have seen "perfect parents" with less than perfect children. Sedih tahu, the parents tertanya-tanya di mana silap mereka - walhal they did nothing wrong. Cuma anak itu yang tersalah landasan.

All in all, we try our best to ensure our children will not stray away from tali Allah. Easier said than done, kan. But, we try.

~ahni~ said...

susah nak cakaplah auntyN sebab dlm my family pun ada sorang tu tiap2 hari tido kat rumah dan mintak duit mak, bila kita tanya, dia akan kata "tengah cari kerja lah ni"

AuntyN said...

inai : welcome, welcome. Awat blog tak boleh masuk? Doa dan tawakal lah dari ibu untuk anak2.

MA : Itulah tak semesti nya perfect parents have perfect children kan.
Yang penting kita dah cuba, lepas tu doa, lepas tu tawakal sajalah
InsyaAllah.


Ni : Malu nak kerja tapi tak malu nak makan no..

Wati said...

Hi N, I'm agree with you and that quote from the newsletter too, thanks for dropping by in mine :)

Kak Teh said...

N - we do the best we can and hope for the best. And sometimes it is through trial and error too.

AuntyN said...

Hi Wati : nice to see you here again. Thanks for coming.

KakTeh : Setuju tu, we will try our best kan..

ailin...in aalborg said...

I would like to comment something along this line, but I can only hear Kak Teh saying "tsk tsk Ailin". So I hold my tongue, okay?

Queen Of The House said...

When children turn out less than 'perfect', susah nak pinpoint the blame kat mana. But I think good moral values if instilled correctly from a young age will help guide the children in doing what is right. We
all hope our children turn out okay, and we should all learn from around us, as you rightly said.

Kesian kat mak bapak kalau anak asyik nak melepak, tak tahu responsibilities, & malu tak bertempat.

lifecuppa said...

auntyN,
a good write up
mudah2an Allah melorongkan jalan kesenangan dunia dan akhirat untuk anak cucu kita nanti..

dijauhkan drpd perkara2 sebegini.

AuntyN said...

QOTH : Nicely said.

Onde2 : Thanks and Amiiiin..

frappe_crush said...

AN, lama saya tak baca blog AN.. saya dah kat msia ni ha..apa habaq?..sihat ka?..AN, saya ada interview kat penang..quality and reliability..apa yang depa selalu tanya AN..bg tips sket..AN kan selalu interview org..hiks..

hemu2 said...

it's a lifetime of learning process in the parents-children relationship, even after the children have become parents themselves.

AuntyN said...

frappe : tu ada email, bak sini contact no, senang nak sembang. Bila balik ni?

hemu2 : It's tru we never should stop learning, but need to take the positive and place the negative away for reference.

annckay said...

We do the best we can as parents..fate has also a hand in this...and their surrounding environment...

Kak Lady said...

Kak N...tentang kelakuan anak2 zaman sekarang kadang sukar untuk kita menuding jari siapa yang bersalah dlm hal ni...

Ada ibu bapa yang dah melakukan yang terbaik utk anak2 tetapi anak2 membesar menjadi yang sebaliknya...

Keadaan sekeliling, kawan2 mereka juga memainkan peranan penting dlm membentuk seseorang individu...

Cuma apa yang lady lihat ...apa yang dpt menyelamatkan anak2 dari pengaruh2 negative ialah ikatan kekeluargaan yang kuat & seperti kata Kak N...to give them a happy environment...sikap mengambil berat ibubapa bukan hanya bila mereka dah remaja tapi hendaklah di semaikan dari kecil...bertolak ansur dengan anak2 & yang penting mendidik anak2 menjadi insan yang penyayang & lebih bertanggungjawab.

Dan yang paling lady tekankan dalam didikan anak2 ialah menghormati mereka yang lebih tua & jgn sesekali berlaku kurang ajar dengan mereka yang lebih tua...tau membalas & mengenang budi ....

Dan lady tak pernah putus berdoa moga mereka menjadi insan yang berguna....Insyaallah

maklang said...

AuntyN,

Kalau dah tua2 tu tak yah nak kata 'salah ibubapa' lagi. Allah dah beri kita otak untuk nak berfikir, so gunakanlah. Kalau anak kecik tu lainlah.

Memang communication is very important. I, myself is open to the kids. Tapi there must always be a limit to everything they do.

InsyaAllah semua anak2 kita akan menjadi orang yang beriman dan berguna di masa depan nanti.

AuntyN said...

annckay : sometimes surrounding and peer pressure makes the good children go bad right? Kind of bad influence.

Lady : Kadang2 tu tak faham jugak lah macam mana pada mula anak2 tu kita nampak begitu bersopan tetapi tiba2 bila dah "nampak" dunia atau dah kahwin ke, langsung tak peduli dah mak bapak tu.
Rasanya macam yg ulamak katakan tu kan nak dapat anak yang soleh mesti bermula dengan ibu yang baik. Tapi kalau ibu je baik pun tak jadi jugak kan, kan.

maklang : selamat datang. Amin, InsyaAllah semoga dia makbulkan doa kita tu..

cm said...

bila nak-anak kurang ajar, tak boleh tidak orang akan tertanya macamanalah ibubapanya...cm pun risau sbb anak-anak semua perempuan, selalunya tingkah laku anak perempuan tentunya akan lebih diperhatikan. cm cuma harap satu perkara aje dari anak-anak agar dewasa nanti menyenangkan hati cm & hubby wpun bukan dgn harta benda cukuplah jadi anak-anak yg baik, di hari tua nanti kalau boleh tak nak lah dibebankan dgn kisah-kisah tak molek anak-anak ni.

AuntyN said...

cm : Anak-anak I pun semua perempuan jugak. Sekarang ni bukan kira pun, lelaki perempuan kalau tak elok perangai, tetap tak elok. InsyaAllah kalau ada ilmu dalam dada ada perasaan tawadduk pada Allah jadi soleh lah semuanya.

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