June 28, 2005

Habis Manis Sepah DiBuang - Part 2

Warning : A VERY long entry, you may be wasting your time reading this. I would like also to inform you that in order to protect the privacy of our family especialy that of my sister the names (initials) in this entry have been changes. My intention is to relate a situation that may have been familiar to many poeple, just as a lesson learnt. Thank you for your comments and opinion.

We arrived from KL yesterday (Monday) afternoon. My other 3 girls "ponteng" their schools yerterday. At first we wanted to come back on Sunday night after sending Kak Long back to her college, but Kak Long of course, wanted us to stay longer and since her class started at 9.00 am Monday morning, we still could send her back early this morning just in time for class. And that what we just did, we left for cyberjaya from sis-in-law place at about 8.00 am and after sending Kak Long back to her hostel we started our way home. She seems happy and settled down. I am happy to see that she is already settled. So, I think she is going to be staying there until she complete her study. Right now, we have to figure out ways and means to meet the demand of her requirement. It's going to be lots of money needed for her. PTPTN is still not definite yet because of the change in the policy recently. If she is not elligible for the PTPTN then we have to find other ways. We will find a way, Insyaallah.

So to continue my sister's story, here goes another long entry. If you guys feel bored reading this, please don't stay. I hope that, by writing this down I am not seen to have shown to all my family dirty linen. My intention is just to share something with all. Sesuatu yang boleh menjadi sedikit pengajaran kepada semua. If anyone amongst you who think that I should not blog about this, I am open to your constructive critics. Please be honest and sincere.

To continue, my BIL went to see my hubby at work. He poured his heart out to my hubby. He cried according to my hubby. My hubby called me almost immediately after he left him. Both of us were prepared to believe his side of the story and to give him the benefit of the doubt. Because this is the first time we were able to hear the opposite side of the story. So this was what he told my hubby.

1. My sister does not cook. He cooks all the meals. He buys all the fresh fish and seafood directly from the fishermen (from Kuala Muda), unlike all of us who buy from the market. How fresh can that be, when one buy from the market ?

2. My sis does not wash his clothes eversince they were married. She doesn't iron his clothes either.

3. My sis always talk back at him (menjawab lah tu, dengan nada suara yang tinggi). My hubby said, that is our characteristics, he told BIL that I also has got a high pitch voice. Something common in all of us. Memang kuat sora kami ni, kalau bercakap. Tak kan tak tau kut dah lama kawin tu, hehehe.

4. My sis always insist that he does not provide nafkah, while he buys all the food for the home.

5. He paid for my sis old car (Kancil) so that belongs to him so when he sold it because my sis want to buy a new car, he should get the money not my sis.

6. My sis is so stubborn, why she wants to buy a big, not any smaller car like Kenari. She just wants to berlagak, since she was promoted. Why not use a smaller car?

7. Eversince she was promoted she did not respect him as her hubby. Tak dengar cakap, BIL cakap jangan beli motor besar, my sis beli jugak untuk W. Bila dah beli suruh jual, tak nak jual.

8. BIL sold his first house and use the money to buy their current house, so why does my sis
keep on insisting that the house is hers.

9. My sis is the cause of him not talking to his mother. Reason my sis told his mother that he was fooling around with another lady. To this my hubby adviced BIL that he should ask for his mother's forgiveness. To let bygone be bygone and talk to his mother. He must get the "restu" from his mother, for his live to be blissful.

10. BIL doesn't respect and doesn't like my eldest brother (Abang Long) he said that my abang long took my sis to bomoh to "bomoh" him. My hubby counter act this by saying that, from what he obserbed in my family, my abang long is not the type to see bomoh for anything. He has can vouch for my abang long on that. Boleh tahan hubby aku ni no?

The list goes on. He did add that he no longer has any "hati" for my sis and he can let her go free. He said that she would be in trouble if he divorced her as he has money to support himself and 4 of his children while my sis may be in trouble. I personally doublt it. She will not be penniless and we will see that she will have enough to eat. It is his opinion anyway. I think the table will turn on him.

When I heard these, I told my hubby, maybe he was right, my sis is not perfect but why, wait until now? Why not resolve matters at home together at the beginning of their marriage. Determine who would do what and what to expect. Why wait until after 21 years? My hubby agreed. So we thought this was the case of miscommunication. I had mixed feeling whether to tell my sis or not, but later I did tell her. My intention was to advise her, to make sure she corrects her actions so that they could be together again. Below my sis's reply to her hubby's "accusations".

1. In 1 week, he cooks only 2, or 3 times. Those other time when she cooks, those do not count is it?

2. She admits she does not wash his clothes. This is because she used to when they were first married, he re-wash the clothes she washed. He does his clothes immediately washed as soon as he comes back, hand wash and not using washing machine. My sis recently try to wash her husband's clothes and again the same treatment received. So why waste her effort and energy.

Ironing, according to her, she ironed almost a cupboard full of clothes, yet the one she does not iron, he will want to wear it. He will take the one she doen't iron to wear. To me this is simply trying to find fault in her.

3. My sis said admitted she menjawab, everytime he said thing degradatory to her, she will defend herself, does that constitute menjawab, derhaka?

4. On the nafkah. He is the man of the house. It is his responsible to provide the food, clothing etc for all of them. Yes, he buys the BASIC food, rice, sugar, cooking oil. And that's about all. If they go to the supermarket, in one trolley full of things, he will only pay for those items. The rest my sis will have to pay. The other thing he will only buy foodstuff that he likes to eat, he couldn't careless if anyone wants to eat or not, I buy them, you can eat or you go starving. The whole family knows he is so kedekut.

5. According to my sis, yes, he paid for the downpayment for her kancil. RM 4K, but all the monthly installments were paid by her. Recently when she sold the car to buy a new car, he took from her RM5K, so does the Kancil still belong to him?

6. My sis just doesn't like kenari. She is paying for the car so she has got the right to choose. She is your wife, if she looks good shouldn't he feel proud as well? He has never let my sis even drive his car. He needs to look good but not the wife, pure jealousy I think.

7. My sis, kept telling us that so many times she would hold out her hands to ask for forgiveness and blessings from her husband, but, he will just pushed her hands away. There was one time he even had his foot just an inch away from her face. He pushed her so hard at one time she fell and her back hit the steps. She had bruises for that fell.

8. Same case with the car, the house he paid the down payment she paid the installment, taken her EPF to pay all and he insist that she got no right to insist for the house.

9. Yes, it was my sis who told his mother that he was flirting with another girl. She discovered that a supposedly Langkawi trip had turned out to be a Phuket trip with a lady's SMS of sweet nothings in his phone. She had no one to turn to but to inform MIL so as to advise him. He was angry at my sis and his mom for reprimanding him. Until today according to my sis BIL will go to his parents house but don't speak to his mother. My sis is getting on well with her MIL.

10. If my sis does go to bomoh, wouldn't you think that he is now the kind of husband who is so afraid of his wife? Jenis yang menikus tu, yang setiap bulan dapat gaji, serah bulat-bulat semua gaji dia kat wife dia. Nak keluar dengan kawan pun kena mintak permission dari bini dia?

I will let you guys judge first. I am sure you have some opinion. Sorry again this ia a very long entry.

Still there is no ending to this case. There will not be any part 3, my conclusion is simple, he is so egoistic, he will not change, marriage is a responsibility of both parties to make it work. I know my sis has her limitations but communications is vital to ensure happiness in the family. I have no idea how this drama going to end, but, I would rather see my sister go free, to start a new life than be unhappy with someone who doesn't respect her as a wife.
Probably the man will be angry at me, for bruising their egos. Whatever, if there are some damage done here, I will later retrack the entry.
I am trying to just potray something for the benefit of others.


OOD said...

Auntie N,
marriage takes effort kan? If they want to save the marriage, they will put in the effort. Lower the pride, do a little bit more, try a little bit harder, and put in lots of patience and doa.

If they never want to make it work, duduk menghitung salah masing-masing lah. Kalau dulu, suara high pitch adorable, sekarang jadi annoying.

In short, they HAVE GOT to want to make it work. If they dont want, it never will work.

Bila dah start membahagi harta, dah start tak best lah kan?

My marriage is only a few years old, let this story be a lesson to me.

Thank you for sharing, auntie.

1na said...


itu pentingnya dengar 2 pihak dari dengar sebelah jer..

bg sy, your BIL mmg tak dak hati, kalau dah tak suka, macam2 cerita. Kalau sayang, will find a way nak bahagiakan perkahwinan. bg saya adik aunty tu sebagai mak, takkan nak tolak ketepi sorang anak nie. dah la penat mengandung, sakit beranak, teruk/seksa berpantang, bersengkang mata jaga anak waktu sihat dan sakit, mencari rezeki nak hidup. nie dah besar sesuka hati jer tak nak mengaku anak. mungkin betul, anak dia W tu buat salah tp jgn biar dia buat salah lagi. bimbing dia.

ttp banyak pengajaran sy belajar. Lelaki kalau dah tak suka ada saja alasan, masa suka semua boleh terima. Kentut busuk petai pun wangi...

saya masih setahun jagung tp belajar dari pengalaman sendiri dan org lain.

MA said...

Kak N : been there and done that.

Lesson learnt : in marriage or in ANY partnership for that matter; it takes TWO to tango, and it takes TWO to make it work.

Kalau sorang nak make it happen, sorang dok tengok jer - cannot jalan - unless if the other one sanggup to sacrifice.

Sacrifice hati dan perasaan. Duit boleh cari. Reta benda datang dari rezeki Allah. Allah giveth, Allah taketh away.

Up to your sis (or anyone reading who might be in same situation), if sanggup makan hati berulam jantung.

But ingat - kita hidup ni -insya allah - nak lama.

To me - biar sakit gigi/mata - jangan sakit HATI/JIWA !


oren said...

Mak Andeh is true...but not all women sanggup hidup besendirian, esp yang dah lama kahwin mcm adik aunty..

Kalau nak judge pun, kami orang luar..cuma satu aje..apapun keputusannya, setelah menimbangkan semua perkara, kembali pada Allah, mintak Dia kuatkan semangat dan tetapkan iman..

erkk..cakap macam bagus, umahtangga sendiri pun tak stabil..but I learn a lot from all these rumahtangga stories..


mmm AuntyN, tak tau nak komen cemana. i agree with Ood.

but apa-apa pun i still think that the husband is dayus. kalau betullah apa yang dia komplen pada husband u, persoalannya, adakah dia cuma tau merungut saja but didn't do anything to improve the situation? or adakah dia pun sama naik mengamuk bila isterinya mengamuk. tak boleh gitu, tanggungjawab suami mendidik isteri dengan sabar walau buruk mana pun perangai isteri. didiklah isteri, bentuklah tingkah laku isteri. bukannya komplen sana sini and carik kesalahan isteri untuk dijadikan alasan. itu namanya Dayus. ish! Maha besar tanggungjawab suami...
Perkara akan berubah hanya jika suaminya sedar tanggungjawabnya.

WRA said...

I agree with Anne. Ketua rumahtangga tu kena la tau camana nak mengemudi rumahtangganya...kalau dia rasa isteri salah, bukan ke tugas dia untuk betulkan? Ni tidak, asyik nak tuding jari aje...kalau ikut komen dia tu mmg nampak cam dia dah tak suka...sbb tu nampak salaaaah org je....salah sendiri tak nampak....bila kena komplen kat Jab. Agama baru nak gelabah....
Apa-apahal, banyakkan berdoa, solat Istikharah, solat hajat, baca qur'an...insyaAllah Tuhan akan beri jalan penyelesaiannya....wallahualam.

Itchy said...

I wish her a happier life ahead.. Anak2 dah besar.. diorang tau menilai, InsyaAllah.. lepas tu kite tau sape Loser!

MassyLassy said...

I wish that your sister is doing well now. This remind me of what happen to my sis also! My sis found out that my BIL is having an affair with a Filipino guest from the country club and havoc jadinya! My BIL was bit violence but they talked things thtough, and now it seems alright! Still, my sis nor me or my family will ever trust him again after what he did to my sister and the family! Too much lies!!!

born-again drama queen said...

totally agreed with mak andeh.
my marriage only lasted for 16 months. even then, it was sheer hell right from the very beginning though i did marry someone i loved.
no point giving up your life for a man who doesn't appreciate you and love you unconditionally. divorce hurts, yes..BIG TIME! but trust me, women are able to get back on our feet again. as cliche as it sounds, time does heal all wounds.
ask her to do istikharah. itulah sebaik2nya. Allah will never let you down.

Ely said...

AuntyN, i really appreciate ur story. i do the same to for my friends too. share my ole story for the benefit of others.

when i went through my divorce 5 yrs back, yup, the counsellor read the list of things that my ex husband complained abt.

nak ckp pun jadi sakit hati.

there was once when i had an argument with my ex husband and he said that isteri tak boleh memjawab. i am so sorry, i cant live with that. a marriage w/o hearing each other out is really not a marriage.

sometimes husbands want to be in control, but they have to do a self check before they do so.

dah i ckp lagi nanti i sakit hati.

good story auntyN, i am sure it will benefit the ones reading it.

Anonymous said...

i totally agree with UR (not just becoz she emailed me lagu Tam Spider he he he) that is la ni boleh la goreng2, give him a few years bila2 anak2 dah besar, the whole world will know who is the LOSER

Anonymous said...

Kak N...really appreciate you sharing this story...many things that we can learn, yg baik jadikan panduan yg tak elok buat sempadan.

Anonymous said...

my focus is less on the arguing, defence mode couple. (btw. after reading the post, i sided by ur sis auntyN)

im thinking more about their children, all in prime ages of growing up. i pitty them if they have to live a near frog life. hop here and there to be wif their biological guidance.

oh well, if nothing more cud be done, just make it end.. fast.

Anonymous said...

Aunty N,
Pity your sis, tapi dia kena tepuk dada, tanya selera dia sendiri. U as her sis, hanya boleh mendengar dan menasihat apa yg patut je. Dia yg melaluinya, dia kena buat keputusan. The best advise rasanya, instead of focussing on siapa yg byk buat kesalahan, why not focus bagaimana nak improve the situation. ( if they still want to be togetherlah). If not, nothing u can do kan.


jyj373 said...

A'kum seme.. kak N..

saya rasa kadang-kadang.. org jantan ni.. kalau dia bagi barang.. dia bagi skit, dia rasa banyak gila.. pastu, kalau ego dia tercabar, abih la semua benda dia nak ungkit.. makan kat kedai mamak pun dia nak bil balik kat kita..

Anyway, bila baca kes camni.. saya jadi takut nak kawin..sebab perubahan adalah satu kepastian.

Bab masak tu.. bukan tanggungjawab bini nak masak utk laki. Tapi sediakan makanan dan layan laki masa makan tu yg tanggungjawabnya kot, ini termasuklah mandi sama-sama dan jugak urut mengurut. Hehe.

My aunt dulu kena teruk juga dgn husband, anak 4 jantan, rumah kena tiptop, masak sendiri, kerja lagi, pastu tak bagi ambik servant.Lepas tu bila malam tak layan, kena marah jugak. So saya basuh skit keduanya, tugas-tugas rumahtangga bukan tugas sepenuh masa sesiapa. So kalau tak larat, outsource le.

Bila lelaki dah gunakan kuasa veto utk menghambakan bini atau mencover kekurangan diri, tu dah kira terdesak sbb tak tau camner nak improve diri sendiri. Ada plak yg sampai sanggup belasah dan maki hamun. (tu saya dah kena)

Kalau dah tak cinta tu, tak payah lah bersama. Sbb yg paling kritikal waktu tua esok, masa sama-sama tak larat. Kalau tak cinta, sapa nak suapkan kita bubur bila kita sakit.. So elok la carik yg cinta.

imzadle said...

akum kak. i blog-hopped from kak tenah

sedey! interesting story. makes me wonder, how do we know in our hearts that that particular someone is the right one for us?

Lana said...

I agree, communication is vital to any marriages/relationship. It takes two to tango - my dad used to say. I agree that it's best for her to be set free and start fresh

AuntyN said...

Thank you ALL for your comment and support. I know you all feel for my sis. Dia tabah, walau apa pun kami sentiasa berada di sebelah dia. I hope she will find happiness soon.

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