October 11, 2005

Enough Is Enough

Thank you all for the encouraging comments and dua's for my sister. She spent the night at our house last night. Hubby and I had been offering her the shelter for so long. We told her to take the decision for such a long time. She keep on hoping that he will change. But we know he will NEVER change. If he wanted to he would have "grown-up" and try to patch up. After he met with my hubby the last time, he was also called by the pejabat ugama. In front of these people he ACTED as if he is the good guy. He kept on saying that my sis is NOT listening to his words, like Derhaka to him.

..............................................................
Let me continue here.

My sis did what was necessary. She said that she went to the hospital with her 3rd son W. This is the son who had caused all the "commotion". After that she went to the police station to make the report. She is lucky there is no bruises on her cheek. She was slapped twice. Then after that she went home and pack her things. She arrived at my eldest brother's home about 5.00 am. She asked W to follow her, because she was concerned with his wellbeing. Scared that the father would hit him after that. But W is a big size boy, bigger than the father himself. He couldn't protect his mom because they were seperated by the grilled door which was locked. My sister was slapped when she attempted to open the door to let W entered the house. Verbal abuse was exchanged between father and son, although the son didn't use any bad words. W said to his father he would report his father to the police if the father hit him.

Yesterday, my sis went to the pejabat ugama to file the case. She did once before and they were called for counselling (to be expected). No incident happened after that only verbal abuse or sms, so she stayed on. The ustazah at the pejabat ugama said they can already build a case against him, but will call him in first.

The police also called him to the police station. He was told that my sis made a report against him and that she would be staying at our brother's house for a while. He told those officers (who happened to be Non-Muslims) that in Islam it is OK to hit one's wife as a "pengajaran". #@&*#@& to him !!!! (excuse me for this). My hubby said in that case then how do we attract Non-Muslim to Islam if wives in Islam can be "hit" as you like. I don't know from which kitab he took those words from!!!!. He told them that he will accept her back with a condition that she listen to his every word. My sis said he is a good actor and he was acting in front of them. My sis told them that she had done what she possibly could, but he just stay the way he is.

We have been telling my sis that he will never change. Now that she is out, she should stay out. She should think of her personal happiness now more than the children. They are big enough to decide who is right and who is wrong. If she stayed on the case will go on until one of them dies or W dies.

I am proud of her for taking the decision to get out, but I don't know whether she will stay out. Told her last night that she has to be strong to make a drastic decision. His family will not back her up, but we will.

I know this entry is full of anger. It does look like I am exposing the dirty linen in my family. What good would it do me if the emotion is bottled up inside me? Some may not agree with me for revealing this in this blog, but to quote cyberdad, for one case exposed there are many more hidden. Just take this as a lesson learnt. Do not judge us for doing or not doing enough to help my sis.

I appreciate your concern and thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

41 comments:

bergen said...

Too bad you don't have brothers who can take up your sister's case the old-fashioned way. Sometimes there's only ONE way to teach a guy who prefers to beat up their women and that's by way of kicking him right where it hurts and Lian Tempur with punches and elbow. It's the only way I know to deal with guys who considers women punching bag who won't fight back because he ain't man enough to deal with man.

born-again drama queen said...

insyaAllah, your sister will be ok after this..wise decision she made there. be strong, and move on. life does not centre around men.

pb said...

Berani kerana Benar
Takut kerana salah.

Org yg salah, suka menyalahkan org lain....sebab tu lah "sidia" bagi alasan begitu.

minah blur said...

Aunty N - my prayers to your sister, I hope she'll be strong to weather this

atasya said...

AuntyN..i just read your previous blog today...I'm really sorry for what had happened to your sister..i guess it's better to leave her husband right now..than suffer for a lifetime...your sister deserves to be happy..everybody deserves to be happy...and i'm proud of her to be very brave..and stand up to what she beliefs..

even if it happened to me...i'll do the same thing too...semoga bulan ramadhan ni akan memberikan kebahagiaan kepada mereka yg teraniaya...

Bilal said...

AN,

Standard lah tu...alasan2 yg tak berasas...

What ever it is..pastikan usaha jgn sekerat jalan...tetapkan azam dan tawakal insyallah..allah akan permudahkan semua urusan....

She have to be stronger than before...

Mas said...

Insyaallah your sister will be stronger than before.At this moment, she really needs the support from you and family.

Semoga Ramadhan memberikan kebahagian kepada dia.

oren said...

harap lelaki2 di luar sana akan ada sedikit pertimbangan bila deal with their wives..

pompuan dijadikan dari tulang rusuk lelaki yang bengkok, dekat dengan hati untuk dikasihi, dekat dengan lengan untuk dilindungi..bukannya diciptakan dari rambut untuk dijunjung dan tidak pula dari tulang kaki untuk diinjak sesuka hati..

harap adik aunty N sabar byk2 dlm menempuh dugaan ini..

cyberdad said...

kita yg baca cerita ni pun rasa sedih, apa lagi tuan punya diri.. :(

Alex Lacey said...

*double sigh*
tak paham ngan lelaki yg tak paham-paham bahasa nih...I thot they are supposed to be the leader, to lead and to show examples to their children...kesian pulak kat W tuh...
All the best to your sister Aunty...memang susah nak buat keputusan sepertimana yg dia buat..I salute her and I salute you as well...

fatihah said...

sgt terkilan saya membaca that a**h**e nyer reply to the polices. ada gak yg berselindung di seblk agama for such despicable act.

aunty..tak hijrah pi mana-mana. ada gi. br dok bc komen u left. mai la umah baghu.

AdieJin said...

auntyN..sabaq na.nanti semua ok ler tu..Ni, malam ni kita dating lagi ka ? hehehe

AdieJin said...

Oh BTW, I agree with Bergen..Kasi hantam dia punya telur..kasi hanyak sama dia punya kapla..boloh punya olang.

SYida said...

Sorry to hear about ur sister. Harap2 semuanya berakhir dgn baik. InsyaAllah. amin

AuntyN said...

bergen : I do have brothers, but we do NOT want him to make this an issue to hurt my sis again if we ever retaliate that way.

nef : I know you have been thru this before, thanks

pb : maybe u are right?

MinahBlur, atasya, Bilal, Mas, cyberdad, oren, alex, fatihah : thanks to youu all too.

Jin :dating ? tengok lah kalau uncle tido awal.

Syida : thank you to u too.

Audra said...

Kak N,

Seronok dapat sembang ngan Kak N last nite. Lepas ni boleh buat lagi selalu.. ;)

Kata orang berat bahu memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. Your sister has made the right decision to leave and proceed through the law. Kalau nak retaliate, biar through law jangan main bedal je. Kalau boleh jangan bagi ruang langsung for that your sis's husband to counter any action taken against him.

Memang tough in the beginning, because kita ni perempuan - despite apa orang lelaki yang kita sayang or pernah sayang especially, buat kat kita, kita akan lembut hati terima dia balik with hope that he will change (ada la promise sumpah segala kan), optimistic mind la katakan. But I am sure with your and your family's support, she'll get through this and eventually find happiness in her new life.

Having seen a few similar cases around me, - bukan setakat married couple, boyfriend-girlfriend pun ada! <- geram sungguh. Anyway, I will pray for your sister. Salam.

AuntyN said...

Audra : thanks, it was fun for me to having the chat last nite.
I am trying to convince her to just move on, but...can never know. She keeps on seing the children..

Of course we'll do it again (the chat) when we have time OK.

mmp said...

kelab makcik2 makin meriah nampak

EM&EM said...

Hopefully this Ramadhan gives her the opportunity to see things which she has not been able to see before. The fact that she keeps on seeing her children breaks my heart!Anak, siapa tak sayang anak kan?

ailin...in aalborg said...

Aunty, I know this is not the time or place to say it, but tepung karipap menjadi! Thanks. I just need to improve the technique, because semalam, guna agak2 aje.

Ely said...

when the husband says 'i will take her back if she listen to me'....sorry that is a sure no go for me. he does NOT conquer the marriage.

marriage is not ruled by one. marriage should not be ruled.

auntyN, my heart to ur sister. whatever her decision is, she needs ur total support in this.

AdieJin said...

ailinn..ko ni citer pasal makan jer ek..ish..bak sikit karipap tu..Jin lapar

AuntieYan. said...

N, sedih dengan cerita your sis...KY pun ada cerita sedih (about my sis)...tapi rasanya belum ada courage lagi nak cerita kat blog untuk dijadikan pengajaran pada orang lain.Entah lah...takdir atau suratan hidup?
Nasib wanita.

Kak Lady said...

AuntyN...baru pagi ni dpt baca cerita selanjutnya pasal sis N tu...kak lady berharap dia mempunyai semangat yang kuat untuk terus mencari kebahgiaan diri dengan sokongan dari N dan yang lain2..seperti kata kak lady hari tu...kita berkahwin bukan untuk disakiti...so kak lady rasa dia pasti menemui kebahgiaan dirinya kelak...
Betul Auntieyan...kita semua mempunyai cerita sedih..tapi belum ade kekuatan untuk bercerita...

AuntyN said...

uipts2 : Kelab makcik2 memang selalu meriah. :-)

EM : Thanks. Sebab she is scared she will be seperated from 4 out of 5 of them. And all will not have both parents' love.

Ailin : Baguih lah kalau jadi. Habaq mai inti apa pakai tu? :-)

Ely : Thanks. and u are right. Marriage is sharing responsibility.

Jin : Nak karipap Finland ke? Karipap MSia nak tak?
Jin ni sentiasa lapar je ni , isyyyy!!

Kak Yan : Tulis lah, buat pengajaran untuk semua. Dapat pahala tu bulan2 posa ni.

AuntyN said...

K lady : Thanks. Apasalah nya berkongsi cerita untuk pedoman di hari muka.

CikNi said...

I kinda agree with bergen, may be not the punching & kicking part but a big brother would always be the 'mafia' and 'hero' of the house

bergen said...

I am no doctor neither a psychologist to analyse this in ways that can make me understand the issue, but I notice that men who like to beat up women are pretty timid among other men. Maybe they feel they need to feel strong and therefore the easiest way to get this kick is by beating up people who won't fight back such as wives and daughters.

I don't mean to give women false sense of security by teaching them how to aim the blow at vulnerable points in a man's body because I know through experience women, no matter how much they are abused by their husband, won't have the heart to retaliate. Unless aggresively provoked or threatened with harm on their children, they (women) can do some surprising damages that may lead to fatal consequences. Part of the lesson I teach in my class is to allow women to feel okay to be angry and use that anger to take martial action when their rights, or body, is violated.

But women, they are made to become mothers not gladiators. Thus there's only so much you can do to make them to act like men.

anggerik merah said...

auntyn...sedih baca nasib yr sister nie. Insyallah will pray that she will be stronger to face this and never look back..

AuntyN said...

CikNi : I agree too, tapi tak nak bagi dia buat isu lepas tu kerana kami belasah dia.

bergen : thanks. I do agree that's it's OK to feel anger. But the thing is, yg takut tu retaliation from the husband. At that point we may be very weak. Maybe at that point he will stop, what happened when he has another chance. It is useful to have martial art training, but it is better if the husband can learnt that the wife and children are amanah Allah to him to protect, to love, NOT to hurt. If they no longer feel LOVE for their spouse, just let them go. It is better isn't it.

anggerik : thanks

bergen said...

Problem is, not all men understand the wife-and-children-are-amanah-Allah concept. One doesn't have to be a university graduate to understand this basic tenet of family relationship. Unfortunately, we are reverting to the concept of man-woman relationship of pre-Islamic days i.e the weak is the food for the strong and this is beginning to show its ugle head in the year 3G cellphone and hologram communication. Holo what?

shidah said...

AN: pukul bini untuk pengajaran memang boleh, tapi bukan ke dgn 3 helai daun aje?

btw, this father son fued/mother in between has a personal impact on me.... susah nak cerita lah.

AuntyN said...

bergen : true, very hollow. Especially when Islam is such a good religion the Muslims is potraying the opposite. I appreciate your komen. Thanks so much. I hope a lot of people learn from what you say here. I know my sis case is quite mild, there are other worst case scenario (even my sis' friend had been brutally beaten by her ex-husband), but by writing it here I hope others can learn the experience as well.

Shidah : Kalau susah tak yah cerita lah.. bila dah berani cerita lah untuk kebaikan semua.

Ms.B said...

Wow. Came here and then read these 2 posts in succession.

Yup. Enough is enough. Like you said, your sister's children dah besaq panjang .. time to move on and think about herself!! But I'll say this much, there are some women who find it very difficult to do that. No one's asking these women to abandon their children, but when you're caught in an impossible set up like that, being made a punching bag by a poor and sorry excuse of a husband and father, you SHOULD move on.

Let me tell you a story about a situation I've seen with my OWN eyes as to how WRONG things can go when it reaches this stage.

This couple constantly fights, and the husband hits and maki hamun the wife in front of the kids, and doesn't even provide proper nafkah (in BOTH senses). However, wife took the decision to stay in the marriage despite her family's protests because she said that she's thinking of the children. As a result, she suffered over the years and there was basically NO marriage in existence (they didn't even talk to each other, let alone sleep in the same room, imagine that). Instead, she focused ALL here energy, strength and love in her children. Perhaps a little too much.

The irony of the tragedy is that in the end, the children grew up to be emotional wrecks and have a warped sense of what marriage is all about (forever ridiculing it and making fun of it, making their parents' marriage an example) and scoffing at how women should be treated.

Even though the mother had tried to raise them properly, the home setup was just not on. It couldn't work. In the end, the kids got affected by the circumstances in which they were raised and this spilled over into their own lives as adults.

By this time, the mother has lost everything - she had tried to cling on to the children and had hoped that by raising them literally single-handedly, they would look out for her, but instead, the children had grown up in an unhappy home, where there was no love but only hatred and unhappiness.

Until now, the kids are SO kurang ajar with the mother, because somehow the entire process must have affected them badly. It's really sad to see, because in the end, the mother had nothing. The father pulak, is behaving as though he never did any wrong in the first place and continues to tell people that the mother is the villain! And they're STILL at it, under the same roof!!

Sounds bizarre, doesn't it? But believe you me, it's REAL.

So really AuntyN, you've GOT to make your sister believe in herself and move ON. Don't let it reach that level. The mother in the story I told is not to blame, but she really should have left the marriage when it started to fall apart like that.

Once a man hits you, how can there be any love left in him towards you? And how can you expect your children to have a normal childhood in a set up like that?

I wish your sister the very best, but she must move on.

*Panjang lak comment. Got really worked up reading the 2 posts lah!* :D

bergen said...

Boys who grew up watching their father abusing their mothers will grow up to be just like their dad. A theory?

Bergen <----- raised by a single mother.

AuntyN said...

Blab : thanks for the long comment. The situation between my sis and BIL is very much the same as per your description. My sister's children are between 21 and 14 years old. So far the kids are OK. My BIL only showed no love to his 3rd child. For the others he still showed his love.
My hubby had been telling her that she has to explain to the children the situation they are in. All of us have been telling her to move on. Mu hubby even told her that if she is free there will be other man who will appreciate her.

Bergen : You may be right you know.
Eventhough you are raised by a single mom, you may have turn out to be a fine man.

ailin...in aalborg said...

Aunty and Jin: karipap inti sardin!

cupcake said...

Blognya sangat informatif.
Salam,
Santy - IdeBaru.com

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